We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
