My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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