im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
