I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
