then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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