a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
