tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
