Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
