I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
