i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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