I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You left your phone here
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