Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
