My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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