Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
