I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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