Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Are my feet made of real feet?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
