also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
