You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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