you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
