Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
