I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
