We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
