im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
