she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
