im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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