i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
