We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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