Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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