$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
