one two three fourrrrnication!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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