you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
