The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
