I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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