At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
