so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
