So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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