I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
