even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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