Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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