after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
