So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
