Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
