I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
