Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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