That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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