I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
