I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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