whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
