My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
