I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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