Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
